The other day while on the phone with my life coach I shared that sometimes I feel stuck on what to write. You know, the usual writer’s block?
She asked me what I would say if I got to speak to everyone in just one sentence. I told her I’d tell the women of the world that we need to rise up and save the planet.
So that’s what I have to say today, but in a few more sentences. Men, listen up too, because this is important.
What Feminism is, and Isn’t
From time to time I’ve heard some women say that they’re not feminists. They don’t like the anti-male rhetoric that sometimes accompanies more extremist viewpoints. But is anyone who’s using feminism as a way to bash men really a feminist if the definition of feminism is to wish for equality?
Here’s the truth – being pro-woman does not mean being anti-man. It means being pro-equality. While we’re at it, believing that Black Lives Matter does not mean that all lives do not matter, and being anti-war does not mean hating freedom. We can want to see change without being fanatical, and to anyone who takes any of the aforementioned personally – why?
I can tell my brother, partner, and best guy friends that the patriarchy is ruining the world and do they take it personally? No, because it’s not an anti-man statement, and anyone who does take it personally probably needs to take a hard look at what’s behind that.
Why would calling the current status quo that gives unchecked power to mostly white men bother any egalitarian, logical person? It might be convenient to paint women who want equality as anti-man, but it’s just a tool. Pointing out toxic masculinity is not putting down all masculine traits, many of which are good and that both men and women possess.
A friend and I were discussing this and she pointed out that sometimes people find it easier to just get angry than admit they’re part of the problem. It’s easier to be a victim than to be willing to be wrong and change one’s ways.
Is Society Supporting Men?
I believe part of the animosity on both sides stems from the shifting place of women in many developed societies around the world. Women no longer fit gender roles of the 19th century and want to be paid equally, given equal opportunity to education, and though female CEOs are still paid less than men, our numbers are growing. It’s still not fast enough for my taste, and I prefer total equality, but I want to take an honest look at what’s working against it.
In a world where men are raised to believe they need to be the provider, where does that leave them? In a world where men are told they can’t be vulnerable, have feelings, cry, or be actual human beings with emotions, what exactly do we expect of them? While I find the men’s rights movement laughable, I can see why it’s gaining momentum. Some men aren’t sure where they fit in anymore, and while some can handle that and are willing to move with the times, others are defensive and extremist.
Does the society we live in, and the world that we’re creating through social media, create more divisiveness? As people become more extreme in their beliefs worldwide, I wonder how much of this is due to people being confused about where they fit in this world, and choosing to lash out as a result.
We Need to be In this Together
Can we advance forward without being in this together? I submit that we cannot. In our quest for a more equal world, both men and women have to be involved. Are things getting better? Looking back in history, yes, overall women have more rights now than they have had in the past several hundred years. We still have a long way to go. What’s getting in our way?
I believe it’s the isolation people feel these days. Though social media has done wonderful things in terms of connecting us and bringing injustices to light that weren’t at the forefront of our news previously, it’s creating more depression and isolation as well. It’s also creating more rage.
People spend a lot of time getting angry on the Internet. I’m on the receiving end of it myself, from sexual harassment to YouTube comments telling me to, and I quote, ‘cancel my life.’ people love to get angry online in the same way that they do in rush hour traffic. Isn’t it interesting that we’re so willing to act on anger when surrounded by metal or a computer screen?
To those who are angry, I hear you. To those who are exhausted, I hear that, too. Moving forward has to involve us all, though.
I know that I won the ovarian lottery being born a white woman in the US. I haven’t experienced the discrimination that many people have. Still, when my Uber driver the other day – somehow I always end up in deep conversations with them – asked me why it’s rare that a woman cares about being independent and why he just sees us caring about our looks, I wanted to get mad. However I have to consider the motive behind his question. Is he trying to be offensive or to understand? I calmly explained that he has to consider the world we live in, full of Barbies and being told our value is in our looks, and he understood.
It has to be OK to ask questions that might be offensive sometimes, and it has to be OK to be on the receiving end of some harsh education without getting defensive. It has to be OK to be wrong. It has to be OK to explain things that seem like they should be common sense. Not everyone has our life experience.
I believe the answer is in turning toward love. While more people are getting angrier and more divided, people are also moving more toward spirituality than ever before. Meditation, Tantra, and most of the spirituality I’m familiar with is about doing what’s best for humanity and the Universe. It’s a realization and understanding that we all have masculine and feminine qualities, regardless of our gender identity or sex. It’s an awareness that our energy matters and it’s about growing self-efficacy. This is why I’ve championed solo travel so much and support women in my writing, even when some men say I’m being anti-man.
So many more men email me to say they’re moved by what they’ve read, that they understand why women need women’s trips and safe places online that are just for them. They know that they can safely support women while being strong men themselves. They know that as men, they can be pro-woman.
So please, drop the sword, empower yourself, and see each other as allies. Men are not the enemy, feminists are not the enemy. Anger and hate are the enemy.
GG says
In addition to love, which we need to embrace, or as a way to reach love, we need to learn to listen to each other more. We need to open ourselves to other viewpoints and see what we can gain from the experience. We don’t grow if all we do is try to enforce the viewpoints we already have. We are all humans, we are one and so we can only succeed if we work together as one. The world run by the patriarchy has not fulfilled human potential, we need to invite everyone in to run this world. We are not equal, we each have unique skills and viewpoints that are valuable to the whole, but to take full advantage of this talent, we all need to be treated equaliy, put on equal footing with equal opportunities which means bulking up the rights of women, minorities, and those that don’t identify with a gender.
I think this post is so relevant as the 38th US State (Virginia) is on the verge of ratifying the ERA which would allow it to be added as a constitutional amendment (lots of litigation will follow of course, the American way, and a 1982 deadline that has no legal basis). I’ll be honest, Kristin, when I was a young kid in the 1980’s during the Reagan Era I did view the ERA as something covered by the Civil Rights Amendments and laws, but after what I have seen since then, I view it as necessary and am so excited about it possibly being in our Constitution. Hopefully this will follow with our first female president. The beauty of it is it could come from either political party :). The beauty is that our country can finally be a role model for others where women’s rights are not yet fully realized.
Gloria Van Lydegraf says
Bravo!! Well said!! I often hear young women say “I’m not a feminist, but….” I think to myself- ah, but you are a feminist, you just don’t understand the meaning of the word. I have lived long enough to see some of the young women who said that grow up to be very outspoken self-defined feminists. And now we are coming to understand that gender is a continuum, not a binary condition. Men have attributes that are considered feminine, and women have attributes that are considered feminine. We are complex beings, and when we are taught to be less than our whole selves, then a lot of our potential is wasted. I look forward to a future where boys are allowed to express doubts and fears, and women are encouraged to be strong and independent, and everyone is allowed to pursue the careers and avocations that they are most interested in and most suited for regardless of gender.
Kristin says
So wonderfully said. We are such complex beings with so much that is wasted when we can’t fully express ourselves, and when we don’t feel safe and free.
Larry Hebert says
I am sorry but there is not nor ever will be equality. It is just impossible unless science can make all living creatures exactly the same. Like clones. Every living creature including men and women are different and therefore by definition not equal. I do believe in everyone should receive benefits due them according to their talents and not discriminate by social norms but people have always and will always be governed by the accepted social norms. I am comfortable in my sexual role and know where I fit in the grand scheme of things. I am amused at the fighting of the fenimest movement. They get so angry and I am sure go home I am sure sad. I do not fight and go home happy and content. No matter how much anyone wants to fight it though we are still deep in our core governed buy our mortal biology and instincts that being before technology made it possible for even the weakest to be able to survive alone, humans depended on the strong to protect and provide for the week.
Kristin says
I’m confused, Larry. What is the ‘fenimest movement?’
GG says
Hi Larry and all readers: “Equality” refers to “Equal treatment and protections under the law (and ideally within society itself)”. So, of course, we are not clones. Equality applies to men, women, and others so all benefit from this (I list some examples below). You seem to agree with this by saying you don’t want discrimination and equal chances for equal talent. Equality is indeed about equal treatment and protections. For instance, in the US, apparently the 13-15th Amendments of the Constitution has been treated by many in the Supreme Court to only apply to minorities in response to slavery after the Civil War. So if women or men, for that matter, are treated unevenly, either dealing with sexual harassment, unequal pay, or even discrimination in terms of hiring, there are laws in the books to cover for this, but they are reversible, and up to interpretation, without any issue of constitutionality. In simple terms, gender is not necessary viewed equally in the eyes of the law in terms of rights and protections. Equality under the law benefits both men and women as the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) that might have a chance of ratification would likely lead to men getting paternity leave as much as women get maternity leave, adoption practices will be treated equally for men, women and others, I imagine, and reporting and punishing harassment of men and women that is gender based (sexual harassment) would be a constitutional right (plus job discrimination which can go either way, it was hard for my male friend to get a job as an elementary school teacher!).
As for “societal norms”, those shift quite a bit from generation to generation. My grandparents loved to say “it wasn’t like this when I was young!”. The most notable has been the treatment by students of public school teachers. Societal norms do shift. And if there is discrimination which you don’t like, Larry, and it is ingrained in a society norm, I see a contradiction here and why not support efforts to tweak the norm to remove this. As for being angry. I think if there is something you feel passionate about, you should use that passion or even anger for constructive things like helping others get fair treatment or whatever issue it is in your case. If you are content with everything and the world is working just the way you like it, no complaints, lucky you and have you really looked around? What’s wrong with trying to better the world? I am sure there is something Larry that gets you angry and motivated. What’s stupid is if it is important to you and you do nothing.
Worst of all, is when you don’t care at all. Apathy is the worst.
Also, pushing for equality under the law and in society does not mean that men and women can’t live “traditional roles” if they want. In fact, it should allow everyone to assume whatever gender role they want, without being discriminated against for it.
Lastly, you imply, I think, the strongest surviving and the survival of the fittest. Many claim it is really survival of the luckiest: https://defenseissues.net/2017/01/21/survival-of-the-luckiest/ Also, does “fit” mean the strongest or the smartest!?? Who says that technology isn’t part of the evolutionary process?
Thanks for your time and promise this is all I have to say about it 🙂 (unless there is direct interaction)
Oli says
I think the word “Feminism” already shows the problem with the concept. Here in Germany feminists want to change the way we use words. They are insisting that we should also include the female forms like AutofahrerIn, BĂĽrgerIn and so on. But on the same time they use the word “feminism” which clearly excludes men. And thats no coincidense.
Meanwhile in Europe men are discriminated in many ways. For example: Did you know that German law defines “rape” as an unwanted sexual act commited by a man? That means that woman legally can rape or sexually missuse men. And yes: It has happened to me before and it is not that uncommon.
Did you know that there are tons of offers for mid age women to reintegrate into the working enviroment. But there is nothing similar for guys. Did you know that in many job describtions they mention that they only look for female whiile the exactly same cause would cause an angry outcry if female were actively excluded?
Did you know that there is no help for men who experience violence from their wives and that it is not even counted how often that happens? (Studies suggest that female violence is not less than male violence.) Did you know that most men dont report such incidents because society would blame the victims as weak persons?
Being Pro Women means being Anti Men and deny that all those problems exist. And as long as feminism exists there will be no equality. We need a new movement that is really interested in equal rights and also reflects that in the name.
Kristin says
You’re picking one facet out to have a problem with. It’s okay to want to change those things, but look at the overall equality between men and women and you can’t deny men make more money, are more likely to be CEOs, and overall have more autonomy that women the world over. I’m fine with rape being an act that both men and women can commit and be persecuted for, but why fall into a victim role like you are and not see that there are MANY things that need changing? If you’re feeling defensive you’re probably part of the problem.
GG says
Hi Oli: Just wanted to clarify with a fact check.
1. If you go to the webpage for German criminal laws, specifically the criminal laws, section 177 (supplemented with sections 178-179) there is no mention in the definition of rape or sexual assault of “male” specifically. It states from the beginning “Wer gegen den erkennbaren Willen einer anderen Person sexuelle Handlungen an dieser Person vornimmtoder von ihr vornehmen lässt oder diese Person zur Vornahme oder Duldung sexueller Handlungen an oder voneinem Dritten bestimmt, wird mit Freiheitsstrafe von sechs Monaten bis zu fĂĽnf Jahren bestraft.” It then goes on to say “Ebenso wird bestraft, wer sexuelle Handlungen an einer anderen Person vornimmt oder von ihr vornehmenlässt oder diese Person zur Vornahme oder Duldung sexueller Handlungen an oder von einem Dritten bestimmt,wenn.” In crude English, all of this bascially says is if any person commits, engages in or intends to perform sexual acts on someone else against their will, then the person should be punished with prison time, including if one involves a third person and has that person engage in the sexual act (or something like that). The point is, “person” is used, not “male”. Feel free to clarify my translation as I know 1st grade German, asked for Google translate to help and have near zero grammar skills!
2. One last thing unrelated. I thank the feminist movement for paternity leave, better opportunities for adoption if a single male, and freedom from harassment whether male or female. In terms of harassment and reporting, according to the various sources a study in 2017 came out by the German government that stated in sum:
What the 2017 figures show
Almost 140,000 cases of violence within relationships were reported.
Each day, on average, a man attempted to kill his female partner or ex-partner. In 147 of those cases, they were successful.
There were thousands of cases of rape, bodily injury, stalking and sexual assault.
Women were the victim in 82 percent of cases, however 32 men were killed.
German citizens were the aggressors in two thirds of cases.
364 women and 91 men in Germany were victims of attempted murder. Some 141 women and 32 men were killed by their previous or current partner.
It would not be possible, Oli, for this data to exist if men reporting domestic violence were not counted. If you were a victim, you need to report, it will help others in your predicament.
In the end, as Kristin said, change is needed to reduce the violence and feeling of vulnerability, and allow for empowerment of self. If this change is done with love and support of each other as men/women/other it will benefit us all. I wish you well and whatever concerns and worries you have about equality and fair treatment, it isn’t feminism that is the problem. Take a closer look at the information out there and get a more accurate picture and then reassess and you might be surprised what you find :).
Parco says
Very great article, women always need to have their own trip. Thank the author very much.
anonymoussorry says
“Isn’t it interesting that we’re so willing to act on anger when surrounded by metal or a computer screen?”
The common denominator is anonymity. The same behaviour is experienced beyond a piece of glass (car) or on the phone, etc. I don’t think humans are as empathetic as we like to think we are, hence one death is a tragedy and a million is a statistic. Personally I think that toxic behaviour stems largely from environment i.e. nurture, and living in a bubble. We all live in a bubble to some extent or we will at some point in our life.
“Why would calling the current status quo that gives unchecked power to mostly white men bother any egalitarian, logical person?”
It won’t. But let’s pretend you only choose to (I’m not accusing you of this, it’s just an example) quote certain facts or the status quo of certain things, without revealing facts from the other side, it can vex people. “I think women find it easier to hitch hike” changed to “I think women find it easier to hitch hike but I feel they’re likely to be in danger more frequently than a male” shows more empathy for both sides. Many self pro-claimed feminist blogs I read highlight the dangers of being a woman but not the positives, and so the facts are laid out in a seemingly biased way. I’m not accusing you of that, I’m just giving an example how facts laid out in a certain way can irritate a certain demographic. Personally I’m more in the “exhausted” category.
As for the topic, this is very hard to address. My thoughts are scattered and I’m far too unintelligent to understand much. I’ve met numerous feminists who are quite hateful towards men so it explains why certain people will attach the term “feminist” to man hater. By literal definition, a feminist is not anti man. I believe I’m a feminist and in truth I probably am anti man somewhat. I’ve read some self pro-claimed feminist blogs and certain comments have pushed me away from reading. One spoke about what it’s like to be a woman photographer and traveller, and how a man doesn’t ever feel impostor syndrome. They made it seem like women are the only ones to be mistreated or struggle. This is absolutely not true – men do experience this. While I sided with her views that women can be mistreated, quite often an aggressor will pick on something obvious. If she was a black guy, maybe the toxic person would make the insult about skin colour. In other words, as a human, she was going to be a victim to something regardless but it just so happened that she was a woman, so the aggressor chose a gender related attack. Think back to school days and the larger kid would be attacked because he was overweight. If he was autistic, he would have been attacked because of that instead. Aggressors simply aggress. Too many people, I think, stick a label on it and obsess over the label.
Payment equality is an interesting thing. I think that if a man is running a company and doing an identical amount of work to a woman, without question he should be paid equally. This becomes rather complex because what if it’s a viewer based field and one gender is likely to get more views than another e.g. news broadcasting. Should they be paid equally? We will rarely see feminists create a social media movement begging that males be paid identical amounts to females in porn. Males are paid considerably less and often have to shoot homosexual scenes (which many find uncomfortable) to make it in the industry. Males are also out in the cold, pushing the trolleys here while the women are indoors working as a cashier. Male security guards deal with more difficult prisoners while females get paid the same. These are just things taken out of a bucket, but the point is payment equality is going to be seen as a bit complicated if the job isn’t going to be handled in exactly the same way by both genders.
I don’t really have any answers here but all things being equal, I believe women should be paid equally. I see men and women as equal but I don’t see their attributes as identical. It reminds me of when I was a kid and played computer games. You will find a character who has perhaps a 9 in speed but 2 in attack (I’m completely making this up). Then another with 9 in attack but 2 in speed. The overall points are equal but the characters aren’t identical. Men and women are better at different things and if this isn’t true, then sports shouldn’t be gender separated.
In regards to your point about men revealing emotions… As a man, I feel there’s never been a better time to share emotions and I, on a personal level, don’t like to do that. We’re more open towards a lot of things than we ever were. I’m not convinced that it will yield great happiness for men to suddenly be more open. Personally speaking, as a guy, I’ve been open about things making me sad and I’ve been closed. Closed is much better and it makes me feel much happier. Being open doesn’t solve anything most of the time. I find most men too open and I find them annoyingly weak. Especially when they’re dumped. One minute it’s “she’s perfect” and the next it’s “she’s ugly” after being dumped. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, probably nowhere good.
There’s some figures which show areas where transgendered people are more accepted and whatnot, the suicide rates are higher. If it is true, then I’d argue we don’t necessarily know the full effects of acceptance and whatnot. We can assume the current situation is bad and therefore think an alternative is better, but without long term exposure to the alternative, it’s hard to know what the full effects of it are. That kind of ties in with my point about men being open. For what it’s worth, I am accepting of homosexuals, trangendered people, people of colour, etc. so this isn’t a passive aggressive dig at them or something like that. When I talk about acceptance, I’m not saying we should not accept different demographics. We absolutely should accept different demographics, for a moral reason. I’m simply saying that we can’t be sure acceptance will bring happiness.
“I calmly explained that he has to consider the world we live in, full of Barbies and being told our value is in our looks, and he understood.”
I often see women like photos with a “barbie” showing a lot of her butt and a lot of women are happy to reveal a lot for views and followers as well. I don’t think men are saying they’re valued for it though, if anything society as a whole sees people like that as less classy, in general.
I also see women saying they want their boobs to be bigger like another woman’s or something. I’ve genuinely never met a single guy in my entire life that likes massive silicone boobs and I explain that every time… but will they listen, will they heck. The point I’m making is that women tell themselves these things and women promote this vanity every bit as much as men do. You’re not arguing otherwise, but food for thought for others perhaps.
“Though social media has done wonderful things in terms of connecting us and bringing injustices to light that weren’t at the forefront of our news previously”
I think it’s exposed too much, and with too much exposure becomes desensitisation so in effect it’s having a reverse effect. Think of it like the person who says he feels sick every day. After a while, no one listens to him. If he drops down dead, people might be feeling guilty but other than that, there’s nothing. People act like they care, and they say they care but they don’t. I find the insincerity of it all quite horrible. And if the corona virus does really hit us all hard, it will show. People will behave like animalistic, aggressive sheep.
As for you, you’ve achieved a lot and it’s impressive. When I read or listen to things you’ve said, I think you are a very driven person. Not a driven woman or a driven white woman, just a driven person. Gender, skin colour, etc. doesn’t enter my head. I tend not to put people into categories much even though I’ve spoken a lot about it in this absolute mess of a post.