A couple of weeks ago, a reader emailed me asking for some advice on how to deal with her worried parents.
She had long wanted to take off on a solo trip around Southeast Asia, but every time she brought it up to her family, her mother would get teary-eyed and her father would express his concerns about her traveling alone, resulting in her feeling guilty without an idea of how to get around this hurdle in her trip-planning process.
All I could do was tell her that as an adult, she had to do what was right for her and know that their support would eventually follow. That said, I’m not a parent, so it’s hard for me to see it from their point of view.
So, I thought it best to go straight to the source. The following is an interview with my very own mother about how she personally dealt with my solo travels and her suggestions to fellow parents of wanderlust-stricken children. Her answers and suggestions surprised me:
Q: What thoughts ran through your head when I told you I was going to quit my job and take off on an open-ended trip far, far away?
M (for Mother): “I think, because you had already shown a taste for travel, as an intern in Washington, D.C. during college, and as a student of Mandarin in Taiwan, I had a little bit of experience with this. Even so, the night before departure went something like this-
Me: So, do you know where you will be staying when you first get there? (Anticipating that at least I will have the name of a hotel for the first night, or a contact phone number, in case of dire need)
Daughter: No, I don’t have a specific place yet.
Me: So, what do you do when you get there? (This was Bangkok)
Daughter: I am just going to go to this street that I’ve heard about. Lots of backpackers go there. I will be able to find a place to stay.
Me: So, if I needed to get a hold of you, I couldn’t?
Daughter: No
Me: (Internal dialogue inside head: do not panic)
(Me in blue) Yikes! Sorry Mom! I didn’t even think about it (obviously) and how it would affect you! I feel a little selfish now. But hey, it all worked out!
Q: This isn’t the first trip I’ve taken solo. Were you more prepared for me to go away this time since I already moved abroad solo at 21?
M: The prior experiences DEFINITELY helped me, as a parent, to know that my daughter had proven herself in the “I can take care of myself in another city/state/country (select option)”, which was great. My advice to young adults would be – By all means help your loving folks back home have CONFIDENCE in your plans by taking a “baby trip” first.
That’s not something I would have thought to suggest but think is a great idea!
Q: Do you ever worry about me and if so, how do you quell your fears?
M: LOL – we are from Los Angeles!!! Seriously, a parent can worry if her child is in the next city. I “worry” about all of my children, simply from the standpoint of being a parent and caring for them. In the end, it doesn’t seem to be any different if they are one hour away, or 20.
Wow my mom totally used LOL. She’s so hip and “with it.”
Q: How do your friends and colleagues react when you tell them what I’m doing and do their reactions ever bother you?
M: The most common reaction is admiration that I have a daughter who is gutsy enough to follow her dreams, when her dreams lead her out of most people’s comfort zone, and admiration for me (surprisingly) to have raised such an offspring.
That’s pretty cool, and I bet a lot of worried parents haven’t considered that!
Q: What advice would you give to worried parents whose children want to travel?
M: Plan to go visit them. I must say, I have seen more of my daughter and spent more quality time with her since she has become a traveler than when she lived an hour’s drive away! I visit her, she visits me, we make more of an effort.
This is extremely true.
Q: What are some things that children of worried parents can do to help convince them that solo travel is OK, even for a female?
M: You did extensive research before traveling. You attended conferences and read a lot about others’ experiences. You really planned. I am, by nature, a planner, but you’re not! The fact that you prepared so thoroughly (for a year!) did a lot to convince me that you knew what you were doing, and that it was in your heart.
The other thing we found was, communication these days is so easy! I thought that you were going to vanish off the face of the Earth. In reality, due to email, and services such as Skype and KaKao Talk (a free iPhone application), people can stay connected.
Most Importantly, I’d say to parents that if you can, visit your son or daughter while they are abroad. They bring their world to you, and you to their world.
This response actually made me laugh out loud. My mother knows me well, I’m no planner! I also love the suggestion of planning ahead as much as possible, and really showing your parents that you know what you’re doing!
Do you want to travel abroad but have worried parents? Do you have any other suggestions that worked well for you? Do share in the comments section!
Ryan says
Such an important topic that many people struggle with! And something that ends up holding people back right on the cusp of adventure! As you know I’ve had struggles of my own with family understanding, but being firm in your conviction and exuding confidence and knowledge about a trip whilst presenting your plans to family is important. And being confident in your own mind and heart about the trip ahead of the reveal and deciding that whatever the outcome, you will still go.
Susan Allingham says
Love the interview! ( And the daughter!)
Eleanor says
Hi so, I am planning a trip to SE Asia in September for 5 months (but secretly it might be open ended) I have told my friends but haven’t told my parents yet. I will have to quit my job and i am going on my own. To try and help break the ice I am going to Africa on my own for 2 weeks in 6 weeks time and i have done a lot of planning for my asia trip. From what to take to what the weather will be to how much flights and hostels are in each city, to whether my bank card and phone will work… I went to uni on my own and hated it so i think this will be at the back of my parent’s minds when i tell them. Plus they are worriers and their first grandchild is only 1 year old (2 when i go) so i think that will bother them (it’s not my child) apart form what you have said on this post do you have any advice? p.s. i am not good with money (always borrowing off parents) and this is one of the reasons i want to travel on a budget but i think this might work against me :/ x
Kristin says
Trust yourself is my biggest piece of advice. Believe in your ability and they will too. As for budgeting, keep a list of what you’re spending daily and don’t go over what you’ve worked out you can afford. Think of things in terms of the local currency rather than converting to what it would cost back home.
angel says
Is there anyway to convince my mum to let me travel locally in my country? Like a baby trip to the next town that is like 2 hour apart?
Kristin says
I’d suggest using some of the ideas my mother mentioned. Otherwise, if you’re a legal adult, at some point you have to put your foot down and say you’ve made the choice to travel, and her choice is then to support you (hopefully)
Ashley says
HI! I just saw this post and it completely relates to what I’m going through at the moment! I have such a desire to travel, it’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do. Whenever I bring it up to my parents though, they laugh it off and sort of make me feel stupid. My parents have always supported me but with traveling, not so much. They still see me as an 18 year old, this shy timid girl who constantly needs someone with her. I’m turning 25 soon and I don’t know if it’s a quarter life crisis or what but I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can go out on my own and gain new experiences. What can I do to have my parents take me more seriously in my travel dreams?
Kristin says
Buy a ticket! That’ll make it pretty real!
Tammy says
You are providing the wrong advice. No one in this day should ever travel alone! Dont you read the news? Thats a recipe for something to go horribly wrong and she’ll have no one to help her. Unless you are a parent, you should stay out if it. You have no idea what strain you will put on their relationship. She says her parents support her…you dont know their reasons for not supporting this. Maybe she has problems that she is not telling you. You dint even know the full story here. You have no right to tell her to overstep her parents and go do what she wants. She is only 25…it would be different if she was 40. How can you sleep at night.
Kristin says
Hi Tammy, you’ve left a lot of comments on this post. Perhaps you’re a worried parent in a similar situation? Though I have no idea from your posts, it seems that might be the case, and my advice is on here to help people try to communicate and bridge a gap where there might be one. I’ve been traveling by myself for over 5 years, and I started at 26. Many countries are safer than the US and by traveling I have statistically lowered my chances of having an issue, actually. Traveling solo empowered me to start my own business, to meet people from all over the world, to make connections that really mean something, and to take control of my own life. I am lucky that my mother was supportive, but not everyone is, so I’m here to provide that support when and where I can. Everyone still has to make their own decisions but please don’t worry that traveling alone is dangerous. There are tons of resources on this site to help dispel that myth. I hope you’ll explore them more, and if you need some support or help as a worried parent, you’re always welcome to reach out to me.
Map destinations says
Traveling solo has many benefits: complete freedom in your itinerary, the chance to form a strong relationship with yourself, and the opportunity to grow. If you want to have this experience then you should be able to.
Shari stafford says
I just can’t stop worrying about my daughter going to South America Alone in a couple days , I trust her it’s there and the pickpockets who prey on tourist especially young solo women . I just can’t let it Go … How do parents survive for a couple months ??? Help , she has sucked the joy out if everything I do cause I keep going back to all that can happen . We have had Major fights over this Thank you
Kristin says
Hi Shari,
I’m not sure where you guys live, but I was reminded when I was back in the LA last week for the holidays, that where I’m from is a lot more dangerous than the places I travel to. There was a shooting nearby at a holiday party, I witnessed a shootout with police on the freeway on my way home one night, and schools are the most dangerous place to be of all. They had bomb threats and had to close while I was home, not to mention the shooting at my alma mater (UC Santa Barbara). I’ve even been robbed several times WHILE I WAS HOME in Southern California! Statistically, by going abroad she lowers her chances of having an issue.
I have never been robbed while traveling. I have never had a break in. I feel safer on the road, and that’s the honest truth. She has a good head on her shoulders and the things she does to survive at home are all relevant on the road. Being alone or with one other person makes little to no difference, honestly. If this is her dream, the best you can do is support it.
Besides, petty theft is not a big deal at all and that’s what targets the vast majority of tourists. Get travel insurance and just replace what was stolen, should that occur. If you guys want some more tips I wrote an article here: http://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/female-travel-safety/
Tammy says
This is wrong also. The customs and culture in another country are different from those in LA or any city in the US. A lot of cuktures treat women especially different than the freedom we have in the US.
Lesley Edwards says
My daughter travels alone from time to time, and hence I worry from time to time. Here are some things I’ve learned about surviving as a parent.
Young people who travel and stay in guest houses or hostels often meet and spend time with other travelers. They pass on tips and experiences and look out for each other.
Social media really helps. Seeing a photo or post sets your mind at ease even if it’s not sent to you directly, you know your child is well and safe. So sign up for Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or whatever the current favourite app is.
Expect the best, don’t ruin your own time with worrying. Keep busy and involved with friends and family.
Have an itinerary of your child’s trip but don’t obsess over it. It’s there in case of emergency or so you don’t forget when you need to be at the airport to pick them up. (As if you would!)
Trust that you have raised a wise and caring child and let them know it. This makes both of you feel better.
Don’t let scary news reports from foreign countries get to you. Remember news only sells if it’s dramatic and reporters make their living by delivering the sensational. The odds of your child being in the wrong place at the wrong time are statistically pretty low.
So kiss them goodbye and send them on their way, travel will make them better people. As I say to my daughter, “Travel wisely with an open heart”. I think she even left that on a comment wall somewhere at a guest house in Chengdu, China.
Kristin says
Thanks so much for your input on this!
Kamrie says
Hello, I’m not necessarily wanting to travel abroad but I am wanting to travel alone to visit my boyfriend in the states. I’m 26 and my parents seems like they don’t want me to go.. yes I still live at home and that’s another total story but I have almost 800 saved up in my account after my vacation back in September from when my boyfriend was here visiting me. So what could I do to make them chill out?
Kristin says
Ask them if they trust you. It’s really hard for them to say no to that, and if they do, then it’s worth having a discussion about why they don’t. Ask them if they want you to be happy, and other similar questions that are just yes or no answers, without getting defensive or upset. Once they see how serious you are and how much thought you’ve put into it, the better.
Tammy says
In other words…make your parents feel guilty enough to reluctantly let you go. Is that what you really meant to say? Did you ever think how far $800 is going to get her in the US? Do you think that a young girl who has not lived on her own yet should be spending all her money to travel? Maybe her parents would like her to put her money into saving to move out on her own, then she can truly learn about who she is and be independent. You shoukd not tell young people to do whatever they want, you do not know their true circumstances
Kristin says
Nope that’s not what I really meant to say. As adults we make our own decisions and it really is up to her. The world is the best teacher, and I do believe that absolutely everyone should do what he or she wants. We get one shot at life, and letting other people dictate it is the path to misery.
GG says
The way you approached this was fabulous and very cute with the blue comments. This type of authenticity with your posts with good advice is what makes me come back to this site. As for advice for parents, and the comments I have seen on this, which it is good that there has been lots of dialogue, I think when giving advice to others en masse like social media that you have to be careful not to accidentally give someone the wrong impression or a free pass. However, that being said, I don’t see how your advice advocates young women (or men for that matter) to arbitrarily go off on their own unprepared and before they are mature enough to handle it as hinted at by Tammy. Just to list what you recommend here through your mom:
1. Your mom mentions how you prepared for A YEAR for your adventure.
2. Your mom suggested a “mini-trip” first which you said, “that’s a good idea!”
3. You talked with your mom. What you don’t really want is for your daughter or son to go on a trip and never let you know you ever went! You are encouraging a dialogue with your parents.
4. Extension to number 3, if your child is over 18 years old, they don’t have to ask your permission to travel, so it is best to have a dialogue so whatever can put them at ease before you travel is a bonus. Also, if there is dialogue it is an opportunity for them to provide advice from their own experience traveling (like you are doing for your readers).
5. You admit that you are not a parent and consulted one for this post, makes sense to me!
6. Lastly, studies show that risk from traveling abroad versus staying home can be more or less depending on the perspective, what you consider risky (some worry about disease, others terrorism, others crime etc.), where you are going (Saudi Arabia versus Germany), and where you originated (Los Angeles versus Vermont). The key as you have covered already, prepare, prepare, prepare. Tell your parents that you are preparing, doing the research, and planning ahead. Tell them you love them and will keep in touch when he/she can. It isn’t about permission because she/he is big girl/boy now. I find that those who travel, mature in ways they wouldn’t have if they had stayed home.
7. Actually this is the last thing, I think that extra concern and communication could be necessary if your child has severe allergies or has a disability, but still there are ways to work around it with extra planning.
Anonymous says
My parents worry, but I disregard their nonsense and when I come back they are glad I went and had fun.
tboaz says
I totally agree with Tammy. There is characteristic known as respect that young adults seem to be slack on with regards to their parents. If a parent is worried about the travel situation their child is in then no matter what the child’s age they should show the common courtesy and respect to keep a parent inform of their safety. period.
Jacob Donahue says
I’m a freshman in college. My mom was agoraphobic and had severe anxiety as my siblings and are were growing up. I am the eldest, so my mom worries most about me because I am and will always be her first experience as one of her children. So any situation or experience that’s new to her will always be difficult for me to embark on.
This summer, I’m going on a trip to Bulgaria on tour with a huge choir. My mom was supportive of it as there are a few people that I know going (including one of my professors who will be the choir director for the trip).
Recently though, I’ve decided to make my own air arrangements as I’ve decided to leave a little over a week earlier as I’m planning on going to see a friend in Finland as well! While I’m there, I’ll also be driving a rental. With this news, my mom is highly against my anticipated plans and thinks that I shouldn’t travel at all as “everything is getting too far out of hand.” I know this is just part of her past speaking up, but I want to continue with my plans without hurting her emotionally (it took me so long just convince her to go to NYC for the first time in my Junior Year of High School, on a band trip!)
Let me know if you have any suggestions!
Kristin says
It might really help to show her that Finland is a lot safer than the US – Statistically you’re a lot safer there than at home, assuming you’re from the US http://visionofhumanity.org/indexes/global-peace-index/
Mary says
Great post! I’m an only child so my parents were always very overprotective. But I’m also very stubborn so I think that helped in getting me to just get up and go on my own the first couple of times. But now, I’m starting to see things from their point of view and how worried they must be so being more open about my plans has really helped. I also give them a full itinerary which seems to ease their minds as well. Of course, communication is so much easier these days so that also helps and yes, I have to check in every day – they would prefer every hour I’m sure 🙂 🙂
Kristin says
that sounds like a great compromise 🙂
Patty says
I Like your article but I have some questions and was hoping you could help.
I have a 24 year old daughter on her first big solo trip to Ireland and other countries. She really didn’t have much plans. Showed up in Ireland with a one way ticket and an agenda of things she wanted to see. No places really to stay except for a couple of hostels her first week there. She did get a phone card there which allows her unlimited access to data. When she got there for the first month she was really great at updates and letting us know what area she was in and the wonderful people she was meeting.. After one month of being there that changed and now rarely answers our messages or gives us updates. She doesn’t even send her 3 siblings any snap chats as she used to or show any interest in there lives. She went off the grid for 24 hours, and I do say, I probably went overboard with worry but it was the first time that had happened since she had been traveling, and while she may not have contacted us daily I at least knew she was alive because I could tell there was some activity online which eased my mind she was at least alive and safe. But as I said, this time I panicked and messaged her numerous times asking if she was alive and okay. I did apologize knowing I overreacted, but then became angered when her reply was just an emoji. A good week and a half later I get a call from her because she needed some information. There was never any discussion of how things were going or what she has been up to for the last 2 weeks. I cut the conversation very short because at this point I was very upset and did not want to say anything I would regret. It has now been a good month since we have had any real contact. Is it too much for to ask to get more updates or a message at the end of the day that she is well if she is on her data anyways. This solo traveling is all new to me and I don’t want to be estranged from my daughter and I don’t want to see her estranged from her siblings. Just before she left she lived with us for 6 months and we all got along great, we have always been a very close family that plays together and talk to each other. . If you have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Is it normal for 24 year olds to exert there independence and shy away from family like this? or is it normal after traveling for awhile to not contact family? Thank you for any words of advice.
Kristin says
Hi Patty, I’m sorry that you have these worries and for what it’s worth, I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. It’s hard to say what the exact situation is, but I can offer this: Part of the beauty of traveling is being in the moment more, putting one’s phone down, and engaging with people who are right in front of me. I can feel homesick and detached from my present environment otherwise. Maybe at first it was comfortable to have more contact with her family but now that she’s in the swing of traveling, she’s wanting to be more present and look at her phone less. I often go off the grid for more than 24 hours not because I’m trying to ignore anyone, but simply because I’m in a remote area and I can’t get signal. Maybe I just don’t want to be on my phone. Maybe it’ll be four days, or seven, or longer. Now that I think about it I rarely inform my family of when these times are coming up, though my assistant always knows, lol. When I do come back online, sometimes I find the messages too overwhelming to reply to them all with much more than a word here or an emoji there. Remember she’s coming back to a lot of messages at once in addition to yours.
Maybe instead of feeling rejected this can be an opportunity to be even more supportive and excited for her. Ask what the most incredible thing she’s seen lately is and what adventures she has coming up. It’s possible you’ll feel a bit more at ease this way and it’ll feel less invasive, and more curious and supportive to her. It’s just an idea – I don’t feel totally qualified to make suggestions about your interactions – but to inspire more contact from her, I think demanding it will probably work in opposition to what you actually want, which is just to feel included, I believe. Hope that helps.
Charlotte says
Hi, my daughter is planning a 2 year trip to Australia in March, when she told me I was really shocked and panicked as she is only 19 and never been on holiday on her own.
She has paid a gap year travel company to help with her plans, but I am beyond worried!
She keeps telling me that I’m ruining her excitement over her trip but I can’t help feeling that she is being naive about the whole process. She has yet to book her ticket or renew her passport, but is quitting her job in about 6 weeks!
I really want her to travel the world and see everything, but I’m not sure she is mature enough at the moment?
Kristin says
Hi Charlotte,
I think it’s so cool that your daughter has been mature enough to plan out this major life goal and to follow it through this far. Thankfully I was able to renew my passport with a window of about 2 weeks previously so she should be good there. I Just booked a ticket to New Zealand myself for a month from today so she’s still okay on that front too.
I can’t know how it is to be on your side of it. I don’t have children but I do know, because you’re here leaving this comment and clearly researching this topic, that you care a lot about your daughter. That’s beautiful. That love can be used to be happy for her, and to support her, because if this is what she wants more than anything in the world, then as an adult it’s her choice and the best anyone can do is focus on her strengths and trust her.
I hope it helps to hear my perspective, if not I hope perhaps some of what my mom said in the post helps. Sending you lots of love. I know it can’t be easy but your support will mean the world to her.
Charlotte says
Thank you for replying so quickly ?
When you become a mumma, it is your default emotion to worry. As I said, I genuinely want her to see the world, and maybe she is ready for that but I’m not haha!
I will try and support her as much as possible, it won’t be easy, I know I will be a mess at the airport ?
Again, thanks for the quick response.
Happy travels!
Kristin says
Best of luck to you! I’d love to hear how it all goes for you if you feel like coming back in a few months or a year or so <3
Oliwia says
Hello,
Such an interesting article, it shows pretty much what I’m going through right now. So, I have planned my first solo trip to Argentina BA (I’m from Poland). I would be in a city for month, having a guide who I already know. Also, I know Spanish, so that’s not a problem. The problem are my parents. They worry like hell, I’m not saying they shouldn’t, but they do it to the point of manipulating me not to do so. They have all the arguments like “You’re a female, it’s dangerous”, and they use all the tricks so that I have remorse.
I have already both the tickets for my own money, not borrowing from anyone, but hearing what they say hurts me a lot. I feel as if I made harm to them, while it’s been always a dream to me to visit Buenos Aires. I have it well-planned, but they won’t stop arguing and making me feel like the most awful and emotionless daughter. I feel like they will hate me if I tell them I have everything booked and payed already.
I don’t know what to do. I’m overthinking all of that. They make me feel so bad. And I don’t want to lose the chance.. Any advice?
Oliwia
Kristin says
It’s too bad they can’t just be supportive, but I’d appeal to the side of them that is also worried by saying, don’t you trust me? don’t you want me to have incredible experiences? Women travel solo all the time, they just need to support your hopes and dreams.
Mari says
I’m the mother of an 18 year old son who is planning to go with friends to São Paulo in a couple of months. I’m so, so anxious about crime there! He has traveled pretty extensively so far and went with friends to Melbourne, Berlin, and even Bogota. He also travels all around the USA. I was very worried while he was in Colombia but they just went for a weekend. This time I think it’s for a week. So nerve-wracking! But all I can do is let him go. He’s an adult and he has more experience traveling than most people his age. Heck, I’ve never been outside of North America and Europe! He has the travel bug and I don’t want to squash it, so I’ll go over safety stuff with him and deal with my fear the best I can. My job was to raise an independent adult and indications are that I’m well on my way to success (he lives at home but works full time). What more can I ask for, really?
Kristin says
That’s so wonderful of you to be supportive! I really admire your perspective and I am sure that I, too, would feel the way that you do.
Ja says
I feel you darlin’, but I need to quell the fears of my honey and my adult children (the granddaughters think their gran is totally awesome) when I solo travel!
Kristin says
Maybe the same things will work!