Coming home is a strange thing, especially for those of us who have studied, lived, or worked abroad for an extended period of time. It’s simultaneously exciting and terrifying.
It’s kind of like returning to your childhood bedroom and finding it unchanged. It’s like running into your high school boyfriend and seeing that he is exactly the same. It’s an odd time-warp where some things have evolved, and yes, life carried right on without you there, but in most ways it has essentially remained the same.
The strange thing is not home, it’s you. You have fundamentally changed. Your perspective has expanded. You’ve seen what else the world has to offer, and it simultaneously makes you more exciting to those who you’re returning to, and harder to relate to. It’s an unfortunate side effect that people will often say to me, “I couldn’t possibly have anything to say that’s as exciting as your stories!”, which is the worst thing ever, because honestly, how do I respond to that?
It generally takes me a few weeks to feel at home again. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. People talk about TV shows and movies I haven’t seen, reference commercials I know nothing about, and use buzzwords with meanings I’m oblivious to. I start to remember the things that encouraged me to leave in the first place. Then, I spend time with my closest friends and family, and by the time the short visit is over, I find it incredibly bittersweet to be leaving. Here’s why:
All the Food
I realized that most of my conversations now turn into something about food. When I’m talking to people about visiting various places, I almost always ask about the food, or if they’ve tried a certain dish I love. That affection comes home with me to all of the foods I have been missing. My mom knows that the first thing I have to do after exiting the airport is to get Mexican food. I refuse to eat it abroad, it’s just too good and authentic at home, so I wait all year to have it again.
I don’t like cheese but am obsessed with Cheez-Its. I know, American cuisine at its finest. I just love salty, crunchy, fake cheesiness. Yes, it is a running joke amongst just about everyone who knows how deep the love goes.
Most people also question if they can trust me, and wonder what must be fundamentally wrong with me, upon learning that I do not love cheese. Not even a little bit. Not at all.
My Ridiculous Family
I have the kind of family who alternates between having deep conversations and trying to come up with as many puns as possible once we settle on a theme. They’re the kind of people who don’t even raise an eyebrow if I play music and dance as ridiculously as possible around the house. Chances are good one of them will even join me. Our neighbors, if they’re paying any attention, must be wondering what we’re high on (life man, the answer is life).
We occupy ourselves by writing new Cards Against Humanity
cards in the game expansion packs, or by writing humorous Amazon reviews about banana slicers.
I realize how special that is and value my limited time with them and our commitment to keeping each other silly.
Friends
I have the kind of friends who very openly tell each other how proud we are of each other’s accomplishments and how much we mean to each other. I feel lucky because I’m surrounded by uplifting power women who don’t compete with each other, but rather draw inspiration from each other.
That kind of support and love is something I realize every day I’m lucky to have. The fact that they take time off from work and out of their incredibly busy schedules to hang out with me and plan trips together during the rare times I’m back in the States is touching (and I even get to go to Burning Man with a few of them!). I’m so touched by their constant love, support, and understanding that I’m far away and pursuing my dreams.
Ollie
Meet Ollie, the Taiwanese golden retriever. I have about 3 pet names for Ollie (which is short for Olifur – we think we’re so clever). I baby talk to him and make up songs with his name in them when I’m doing things around the kitchen, where he so attentively follows me around because he knows how clumsy I am and likely to drop food.
I often wonder to myself if perhaps I’m just a little bit off my rocker talking to a dog as if at some point he just might respond. He is an incredibly attentive listener, though.
California
I live in what I, quite arrogantly I might add, consider to be the best and most beautiful state in the Union. Coming home is a reminder of what I’m missing abroad. When sitting in land-locked Berlin this summer, I definitely did miss the hot and dry heat of the desert, the days we used to take boats out on the Pacific Ocean back when I lived in Newport Beach, and watching the dolphins from my living room during my university days in Santa Barbara.
I never took where I grew up for granted, and always valued the amazing beauty surrounding me. When it’s time to return to the US, I know exactly where I’ll happily come back to.
Thanks to everyone for the amazing month at home. It’s time for me to take off again. (Special thanks to Blacklane Limos for sending me back to the airport in style!)
Until next time.
What’s it like when you return home after a vacation, long term travels, or living abroad? Do you feel the same way?
Jenia from HTL says
We just returned stateside from 13 months of travel — although we loved our travels, we missed home a lot, for the feeling of being home, for friends and family. But we didn’t quite anticipate the strangeness of being back. Its all those reasons you mentioned, and more — there is something, which I can’t quite put my finger on – not good or bad, just somehow quite different and not anticipated. My call is that this feeling will disappear after about a week or so of being back. We shall see!
Kristin says
It never really went away for me after living abroad at age 21. I learned how to manage it better, though. I think it’s just an awareness of other things. Suddenly home isn’t the only option, you’ve seen how things are done in other parts of the world and you start to question what you took for a given before.
Kristin says
Would love to hear her thoughts.
Kenneth says
The feeling is surreal. I’m in somewhat of a daze for the first week or two. Someone once said that it takes a person the same amount of time to re-adjust back home as it took to travel (travel 6 months, it takes 6 months to totally re-adjust). I don’t think that’s too far from the truth, at least for me.
I think it’s the universal travel truth that when you come back, you find you’ve changed, and everything else back home stayed the same. It’s almost like time-travel (I watched “Edge of Tomorrow” last night). The most frustrating part is trying to reconnect with people. While on the road, we can speak the language of travel but back home, we have to speak the language of home ie. the conversations back home have to be mostly be about home to connect…
Kristin says
Yes exactly. When you return home you have to get back into the mentality of being home. People might ask for stories but their eyes kind of glaze over and they nod into a coma out of boredom because travel stories are exciting, but not relatable.
dario says
I spend one year in Amsterdam, and then I’ve traveled for 3 months in Asia with my girlfriend.
Now I’ve been home for 3 weeks in my old hometown. Nobody to see, nothing to do. I just can’t wait to lift my feet from the ground and going traveling again!
Kristin says
The suburb where I grew up is empty too. All of my high school friends have moved away. I don’t blame them but it makes it super boring sometimes!
anna says
I think our lives at home are wonderful. I always look forward to returning. If you feel your life here sucks, then something needs to change. And, it is probably you and your life objective.
Everyone loves to travel, walks on the beach, that’s nothing new. As humans, we need to explore, we are nomads. We are scavengers and foragers, so staying put is not a part of our DNA. That’s learned behavior. However, humans are adaptable creatures and we hate change, therefore, we are a contradiction in terms. It is a matter of making that contradiction work in the everyday.
I see so many people miserable 5 days out of the week. I loathe Facebook on Mondays. And, it seems the whole country needs xanax and Prozac on Sunday nights. If that’s the case with you, then you are existing for the pursuit of garbage that is unimportant. The optimum word is EXISTING. If you are more preoccupied with the 2 day weekend (which, incidentally, is usually devoted to laundry and food shopping) you are not using your life, you’re collecting stuff.
Although I agree that when I come back from vacation I’m different, I also parlay that difference and change my life accordingly. That’s the key. To constantly evolve YOU. Just changing a place of residence or being a nomad is swapping one scenery for the next is running away from yourself and expecting a venue to change who you are. Not going to happen. Everyplace will become dull, you will start living the motto, “There’s nothing new except something new.” It is like standing in front of a refrigerator of life, scratching your butt and not seeing anything in there you want. Eventually, you have to go food shopping, or remain standing there with a duh look on your face. Not pretty.
There are no easy answers to these rather existential questions. I think everyone needs a balance in their life. Living in the Western world we don’t have that. We are too consumed with running around and keeping up with the mythical “Joneses” to stop and see what is right for us–us as individual. We try to live up to our parents’, societal, and fictitious expectations without really knowing ourselves and what is right for us. Traveling is a part of that explorations, whether it is to another state or another country.
So, keep doing what you’re doing. Grow. Explore. But, enjoy your life at home. And, make your life at home better than any resort, any paradise. Your home should be your paradise.
By the way, I have wicked jet lag from Bali. I was 14 hours into the future and I feel like my molecules are scattered around the planet. Is this how James T Kirk feels after the transporter?!
Kristin says
I agree with everything you said here. Although, did you read the post? I never said life at home sucks, and I don’t actually live at home. I come back for a month or two, maximum, each year.
Kristin says
I guess they were trying to make a one-size fits all product but unfortunately, life just doesn’t work that way. Back to an archaic knife and cutting board for me!
Nikita says
Ha, your family sounds kind of like mine… Which actually makes me look forward to seeing them again (fingers crossed for a Christmas in Canada!). I loved this post, it was very well-written and relatable. You are lucky to call California your home!
Kristin says
It’s so awesome to have loved ones you keep you silly!
Veena says
You hit the nail on the head! When I was living in Bangalore, these were the exact feelings I had every time I returned to Memphis to see my family and friends. And then, when I’ve been in the States for a long time, it’s how I feel when I return to India. I just have to keep reminding myself about how lucky I am that I get to call so many places “home” and to have so many people and places near and dear to me spread all over the world.
Kristin says
It does make it harder for me to appreciate my current surroundings knowing exactly what I’m missing elsewhere. Completely agree on that. Grass is always greener syndrome, I call it.
Heather says
You’re family sounds like it’s a lot of fun! And you’re not off your rocker for talking to your dog. I baby talk to my cat and ask her questions like I expect her to answer. It’s when she does actually answer that I’ll know I have a problem 😉
Kristin says
Hahahaha Amazing. I pretty much baby talk to all dogs, actually. Was at a friend’s house and caught myself doing it with her dog too!
Jimmy Dau says
It’s all about food and friends, however my circle of friends tend to change only because as you said, we all change – priorities and life get in the way and I’d rather spend time with those who are supportive.
p.s I wish I could raise one eyebrow like that in your review #backpackerproblems
Kristin says
I got really lucky that all of my best friends totally understand and are still my best friends. However the acquaintances do drift away. I suppose they would have anyways.
I think raising one eyebrow is one of those genetic things you can or can’t do, kind of like rolling the tongue or being able taste things differently 😉
Meg Wray says
Returning home for me is always bittersweet, as you say. I feel like going away is always more exciting than coming home. Having gone abroad for extended periods of time more than once, I know that the happiness and excitement of the “return” is short-lived. As much as I love my family, I also feel like.. having seen a lot of the world.. going home gets boring. I think I am partially afraid of permanence, which is also something that home represents to me. I do, of course, get excited to see my family and friends and my beautiful home country of Canada! But then again… while there I’m always planning my next adventure. 😉
Kristin says
I’m afraid of permanence too. I only make it worse by continuing to travel but, it’s a trade off isn’t it?
Geri says
It’s true that when we travel we miss some food closely connected with our identity. Especially if it’s your favorite childhood dish made by your mom. It’s so good to be back home! 🙂
Camels & Chocolate says
“We occupy ourselves by writing new Cards Against Humanity cards in the game expansion packs, or by writing humorous Amazon reviews about banana slicers.”
Proof we would be best friends IRL—and not just because we have the same awesome name (spelled correctly, I might add) =)
I have experienced this reverse culture shock numerous times in my 13 moves over the past decade and change, but not just moving from Europe back to the US, also when moving from California back to the South!
Kristin says
I bet it was even harder moving from California to the South! I actually haven’t been to the South but I am dying to see it just because I think it really will be so different from anything else I’ve experienced.
Kudos on the spelling and I hope we meet IRL sometime!
Kristin says
I’m moving to Berlin too! Would be great go connect with a fellow Californian Berliner!
Giselle and Cody says
We always enjoy coming home for a few months to see friends and family. It’s always great to catch up! This time around we’re here until the new year, and then off to Japan and Thailand to start off 2015.
Kristin says
Awesome start to 2015!
sdirks says
When I came back to the US from six months living and working in Thailand the biggest reverse culture shock for me was seeing so many different colors of people. And while I was so glad to get pizza again that I ate it at least once a day for a week, everything else I ate tasted so… bland!
Kristin says
I guess that’s kind of true. Yeah, I’m not a huge pizza fan. The cheese thing.
Rachel of Hippie in Heels says
this made me miss home so much! I also go straight to the mexican food and love cheez-its
Kristin says
You love cheez its too?!
Ayngelina says
I went through a post-travel depression when I came home. I just couldn’t fit back into where I had left off and I finally realized that was impossible. I needed to create a new life, sadly that meant branching out to new friends and leaving some (not all) of the old one behind. It was tough but I’m much happier for it.
Kristin says
I think it helps you realize who were worth keeping in touch with and who isn’t. It’s been great for letting me know that my best friends truly are my best friends and those it’s time to let go of, well, it’s time to let go of.
Mindy and Ligeia says
Oh my goodness, it’s like you read our minds!! We have just arrived back to North America after being away for over 2.5 years and although we haven’t even been here 24 hours yet, we already find following some conversations difficult with the references to things that we know nothing about…or to be honest, we have no interest in, like the celebrity gossipy crap.
The last time we returned to the States after living in Berlin for 3 years, we found ourselves having little in common with our friends and were strangely drawn to immigrants living in the US. We felt we could better relate to them in many ways. This time around, we’ve decided to look at coming home the same way as gong to a new country with the same goal of exploring and learning about local culture etc. We’ll let you know how it goes!
One of the best things about coming home is planning the next adventure abroad. 🙂
Kristin says
I do find that I relate to Berliners better, but I love Californians too. I find they can be pretty open minded and that makes coming home a bit easier.
Lina @ Divergent Travelers says
I agree 100%. We just made a pit stop at home after 7 months on the road and it is just plain strange. However, after 2 weeks of readjustment it has become clear that we could easily slip right back into the old routine…. this is quite scary for us. So we can’t wait to get back on the road. The next time we return home will likely be a year.
Kristin says
It IS strange!
Melissa says
I travel frequently for work/fun, so much so that my home to overseas ratio gets more and more lopsided as the months slip by. At the moment, I only get to be back in Tokyo, the wonderful city that I have the privilege of calling “home”, for about a week out of every month.
This makes the feeling of coming home even stranger than it was before, when my traveling ways were more toned down then they are at the moment. My next trip is usually always in my planner, so I know that I will be gone again soon. Of course, I love the feeling of knowing that I won’t be in one place for very long, and that in no short time I’ll once again be traversing the 4 corners of the globe.
On the one side there is the feeling of, “I’m not really here, this isn’t home, I’m just passing through” which makes me feel strangely like a ghost…I’m here but no one really sees me. I’m here but I’m not really living here, just waiting for the next trip to the airport.
And on the other hand, it is very very … sad. Bittersweet is the word that the cool kids are using nowadays, I assume. I have so many friends in Tokyo, some of my best in the whole world, not to mention my family. And it makes me sad whenever we get together and talk about what has happened while I’ve been away. Friends have quit jobs and started new ones, my baby sister got her first boyfriend and is now deciding on a university, my father’s articles have been featured in major university magazines, another friend is pregnant, another just overcame a fatal disease…. and I’ve missed out on all of it. While I was away, living my dreams, I missed out on so many important things that my friends have been experiencing/feeling/going through. And I’m always filled with a sense of guilt, a very heavy heart, because I feel like I should have been there for them. Not sitting across a table hearing about the end product, but actually going through the muddy trenches with them, soldiering through the flying bullets and tumultuous times and changes.
So there are the two feelings. More and more I feel like I am a citizen of the world, a man with no home, and that has been my dream for the past 5 years. And this fills me with an indescribable joy. I truly love what I do, my job… I am so in love with my life.
And on the other hand, every time I come home, I am reminded of all the things I have missed out on, and all the friends who’s lives have gone on without me.
Bittersweet… I guess this is the only word that fits
Kristin says
I do feel the same guilt. My friends go through times of amazing joy and sadness and even just wishing for a friend like me to have adventures with. I feel guilty but I also know that they want me to be doing what makes me happy and they don’t begrudge my absence. It’s just life and they know that if something huge like a wedding took place, I’d be back, standing right next to them in support.
Kristin says
It’s weird feeling that way and I totally agree.
Ryan says
I feel ya on all of those things. Though I’m already planning the next adventure, it was nice to return and see all of my crazy friends. And your Cheezit addiction is equal to my Goldfish cracker addiction! I make people mail me packs of it abroad because I love them oh so much! Haha. Well, I’m back for at least 6 months, but I should be hitting the road again at some point soon! Until the next! (Maybe the crazy rickshaw run we are talking of!)
Kristin says
I expressly told my mom NOT to buy Cheeze its while I was home because I will eat them ALL.
Sam C says
Food. 100% agree. I wouldn’t even eat Mexican when I lived in Portland had to wait until I made it back to California, so I would definitely not do it during my 8 months abroad(I requested to be picked up from the airport with a burritoo in hand).
Cheez Its, they too are my weakness. When I had a friend visit it me from the states, she brought me some.
I feel you. Coming home(and leaving again) is always frightening, wonderful, enjoyable, less than enjoyable at points…yes, it is bittersweet.
Kristin says
We share the Cheez It and Mexican food upon airport arrival quirks! I love the solidarity. I had some cheez its brought to me this summer in Berlin as well. Just too good.
Emily says
Coming home was the hardest part of my solo travels, much harder than I expected. Not walking through the gates and seeing my family and friends, that was amazing –– it was going back to normal life that was hard. After the high of being home I slumped into a flat numb state. Everything carried on like I had never left and I was expected to slot back into my place even though I now saw everything so differently. Everything you write about here makes so much sense to me! No one is as interested in your adventures as they pretend to be and nobody quite understood what I was talking about so I talked about it less and less.
At first that was hard to adjust to but now it makes me love travel even more – the secret memories and friends you make while away and the exhilaration of finding someone who really is interested. I like being aware of all the options, the differences, and the things I used to take for granted. It is hard to explain the feeling when you come back, everyone thinks you should be happy because you have been travelling, but you explain it perfectly here and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one!
Kristin says
Yeah people tend to ask questions and then not have interest in the answers, but then you sometimes find the other travelers at home and it’s like you’re kindred spirits, part of a secret club. It helps me connect with like-minded people and more easily see the ones who aren’t. I just focus on the time with the people who I love and it helps a lot. The ones who were just acquaintances never do seem to understand how to approach me, though.
Nandra says
I’m Indonesian and I spent 3 years studying in the UK. Though I come home in the summer, coming home for good gave me a very strange mixture of feelings. While I don’t feel like I’ve been completely uprooted from my cultural identity, a huge part of me has changed, and it feels weird to have to assimilate back to a society you should’ve been familiar with. There’s also this itch of wanting to leave again, because feeling like a stranger in a strange place is better than feeling like a stranger in a familiar place.
Right now I live in China, and due to go back home in just three months. I feel that familiar feeling of wanting to go back home to my family, my dog and delicious Indonesian food. But, the thought of having to root myself back home makes me very anxious. I just hope things will turn out well and I will be able to realise my dream of traveling long-term and continue being a stranger after a few years of work and saving up 🙂
Kristin says
Indonesian food is, indeed, delicious! I totally agree that I’d rather feel like a stranger in a strange land than a stranger at home. It seems OK and justified to feel out of place somewhere you’ve never been but it’s uncomfortable to feel that way at home.
Anne says
For me it has gotten harder to come home as time goes on – when I was in my 20s it was a lot easier to have my identity at home, and add travel into it but I’m to the point now where I don’t really have much in common with a lot of people. Culturally I feel very different than most Americans. Some people think I have an accent. I long for food from abroad, and I miss so many places that have started to feel like home in lesser ways. It’s also really hard to ‘settle down’ when you keep jumping around – I love it, don’t get me wrong, but I get people that don’t like to travel a lot more now than I used to. It’s one of the big downsides to travel, at least as far as I’m concerned.
Kristin says
Completely agree and I am starting to see changes in my English language as well! I’m afraid that the longer I stay away the harder it will be. I’m grateful that for now my friends are still so supportive and close and I hope that lasts forever.
Michelle says
Super interesting article and something that every traveller should reflect on after awhile. When you start to realize that each time you go away (something you love) you change and can grow apart from the people you love it is hard to understand.
Kristin says
It is hard, but also makes me realize that perhaps the people who start to move away from me because I travel aren’t people I would have maintained a close relationship with if I was home either. Our interests aren’t aligned.
NTripping says
So freaking true!
I’ve learned cooking my favourite dishes but the ingredients I find don’t taste like the ones at home…
I’ve invited friends to come over for a visit but very few have actually come…
Now I’m back in my home country after 12 years abroad and I must get used again to all the things I’ve missed 🙂
It’s a strange feeling, not really belonging some place because you’ve been gone for too long…
Cheers,
N.
Suzanne says
I’m also from L.A. (Palos Verdes) and I can only say it’s a love/hate relationship. I miss it so much, along with my brother, who still lives there. The beaches, people speaking English, the memories, the Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s! But OMG, the traffic. So I only spend about 2 weeks a year there now. I lived in Colorado for many years, also an amazingly beautiful place. I go once a year or more to see that side of the family. So gorgeous but where my family is: so ultra-conservative! It’s a weird feeling. The travelin’ life is full of its ups and downs but I can never go back to the old life. I am scared to see what will happen when I have to return full-time to care for my aging parents. We are just visitors when we return; it’s not home anymore.
Kristin says
Suzanne you took the words right out of my mouth regarding Southern California. There are SO MANY things I love about it but I realized a couple of years ago while sitting in traffic at 9:30pm on a Tuesday night that I couldn’t handle living there again. It was a sad realization to come to but life doesn’t have to be spent in a car, and leaving helped me to realize that.
Don’t be scared of coming back, though. You never know what kind of adventures can unfold at home that you never expected <3
Maxi Cab says
It is incredibly difficult to be back home again and to realize that my once loved city and friends don’t mean the same to me anymore. But face those fears. Changes are a good thing, not a bad thing. It just means that you have outgrown that space and that now it is time for new places and new people. However, realize that you can find that in your hometown, it is just about the way you approach it
Great article!
Kristin says
I have felt that many times and realized what you noted, that change is constant and it’s not a bad thing and the connections can grow again in different ways.