The question comes up again in casual conversation. It can strike anywhere, while riding along in the car in Germany, at high tea in Zimbabwe, or in the middle of an adventure around Angkor Wat in Cambodia. At this point, I’m not even annoyed anymore because I understand that people are just curious and a little bit worried.
So when are you going to stop traveling and settle down?
The question is flawed, though. It indicates that I have just two choices: Be single and nomadic forever or pick one place and person and get a house with a white picket fence.
Let’s examine, for a moment, the concept of ‘settling down’. Individually, both words are dispiriting (definitions from Merriam Webster):
Settle: To sink gradually or to the bottom.
Down: To a lesser degree, level, or rate. In a direction that is the opposite of up.
Put them together, and it just gets worse:
Settle Down: to begin to live a quiet and steady life by getting a regular job, getting married, etc.
Why are my only two options to be single and free or coupled and rooted?
I honestly used to think that everybody was right. I figured that I would have to get my traveling out of my system and then I would be able to meet Mr. Perfect. Somehow I would find him endlessly fascinating even though he didn’t have the same thirst as I do for adventure, and had no intention of ever living in Shanghai just so that he could learn Chinese.
Then I realized, that’s not my life. That’s not my story.
While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with settling down, in just one spot, it’s not the only way to live.
People in perfectly healthy relationships travel all the time, both together and apart. Families with young kids travel too. Their kids become interesting, well-spoken, and worldly people.
I mean I kind of feel like I unlocked another level of life here, figuring out how to be a traveler and really enjoying the freedom. And yet I’m supposed to want to do a 180?
I guess that living happily ever after sounds fine and dandy but I suspect it’s just a social construct. No actually it’s a Disney construct.
It’s not what every girl wants, and that’s okay.
We live in a day and age now when women are educated, empowered, and traveling more on their own than ever before.
And yet people scratch their heads, bewildered about why I would choose to travel the world, meeting new people constantly, trying new foods, and getting the best education that the world can possibly provide.
Why on earth would anyone want to do that when she can live happily ever after?
Well my goal isn’t that kind of happily ever after. My goal is to have a lifetime of adventures, and that doesn’t mean that I ever have to ‘settle down.’
Vidyut Rautela says
Bang on! You hut the nail on the head with the post… Heres what I think – Settle down with someone not someplace.
Kristin says
Yes I think so too.
Ijana Loss says
Yes, agreed about everything! It’s really ingrained in the culture that somehow everyone wants the exact same things in life – house, car, picket fence etc. And that somehow, having those means also giving up travel.
GG says
Settle down also means to become quieter, at peace as well as living a calmer life and accepting responsibilities. I think you have settled down quite well, finding your peace, your contentment in travel and adventure (and been very responsible, finding a nice career and sharing your experiences to help/inspire others). Funny thing is the one person in my life that gets that “settle down” thing the most and all the time is a guy. He tried the conventional image of “settling down” once and it just doesn’t work for him. However, I know that this is much more an issue encountered by women and hopefully as more people like yourself travel the world this question will become raised less and less. Another way female solo traveling pioneers educate others and alter perceptions.
Another note for everyone. Please look at Kristin’s links in blue in this post! They are especially poignant here and this post is a great extension of previous experiences, like a tree of her new life she has grown with care and this post another branching out from it. It is especially powerful for new readers like myself.
The “used to think everybody was right” about love is so powerful,, honest, brave and well written (sometimes you know yourself better than anyone else and better to make the decision you made at that point than so many who do so too late) and the story (“interesting and well spoken”) about the 13 year old prodigy who travels the world is nothing short of jaw-dropping. No brick and mortar school could house that mind of hers, and this is an example of how gifted kids need more than that, she is “world-schooled”, the world a classroom where she can also be the teacher.
GG
Kristin says
I’m so glad that you enjoyed those other posts as well! This blog has definitely been a personal journey that I’ve shared pretty openly 🙂
Ylvalie says
Hilarious! I really like you settling, down, settling down definitions – and you are right, they don’t sound very enticing! 🙂
Navraj says
Hey kristin!
Loved your write up.
It’s difficult for people to understand that there’s just no one path for everybody. If we follow our heart we can never go wrong. Deep within each of us is the source which directs us on to the path we are meant for.
But it takes courage and faith to follow that. I feel we need to do that to really experience life and look back with immense satisfaction and joy.
I been a traveller since birth courtesy the profession my father was in. Loved every bit of it and joined the same.
So keep on and follow your heart.
You will live an authentic life which you are already living.
Take care & God speed!!
Kristin says
“If we follow our heart we can never go wrong.” How beautifully expressed.
Eppie says
Haha defining settle down… you hit the nail on the head there! Let’s make our own definitions 😉
Pilot Mark says
It sometimes takes a while for us to realise that society´s idea of the “perfect life” may not be YOUR idea of the perfect life. Some people love the nomadic lifestyle, never knowing where they’ll end up next, and dipping in and out of different cultures. I say keep doing what you love – after all its your happiness that´s most important in your life.
Kristin says
Yes and for some people that gets old or they just don’t like that kind of unpredictability and thats totally cool. To each their own.
Ashley says
Amen! I hate when people ask when I’m going to ‘settle down’. Why is that the expectation? I’d like to continue doing exactly what I’m doing – adventuring often, learning through travel, and loving my life.
Kristin says
Totally. Why do I have to stop?
Muhemmed Haider says
Well a partner does come in handy. The fun surely doubles.
Kristin says
Or the fun can be cut in half with the wrong partner.
Maria says
This is so true! I get asked the same questions over and over, it gets really annoying after a while. Why can’t women define their own happiness? Everyone’s happiness is their own business, and it is everyones right to define it in any way that is right for them.
Alison Brown says
For me the more interesting question is whether you miss having a sense of community, a core group of friends, a routine. Without those things it’s easy to feel ungrounded. For me, I decided to “put roots down” then do consulting and photography, which still allows me to travel when I can 🙂 Decided to find a better balance, so I could feel more grounded.
Kristin says
I felt that way for a while. Then I realized that I just have roots in more places and for now that’s totally cool. I was fighting it too much before feeling like I was wrong for always being on the move then I realized when I’m doing exactly what I want and need to be doing the right things come to me, just as it sounds like you’re finding 🙂
TJ says
It’s always the same 10 questions from people when travelling. When people ask me when I’ll settle down, I tell them when I retire, anything can be nomadic and doesn’t need to settle down. Fun read I’ll have to send it to my parents.
Lynne Nieman says
Love this post. I’ve never wanted to “settle down.” And now, at the age of 51, no one really questions it. Thankfully, my parents never expected me to — especially my mom (who unfortunately passed away 2 years ago.) But I can imagine that younger women like you do get asked that all the time. I think it’s great that you are YOU. And being true to your self (and not other’s expectations) is what matters.
Kristin says
Thank you! Yes it comes up in conversation but I’m more comfortable these days saying that I probably don’t want kids.
Alex Baackes says
I get a somewhat similar question quite often in regards to my career. “What’s next after blogging?” Uh… more blogging? Ha, I always kind of laugh and say I’m kind of just riding this wave while it rolls! I feel like I am JUST finding my stride in blogging as a career, why would I start looking for the next step now?
Kristin says
Thankfully I don’t get that question anymore. It’s just terrifying to people that I’m single
Jewel says
My husband and I have always traveled from the very start of our relationship. That was actually what bonded us together and made me realize he was the right person for me (because we still liked each other after trips). Today, we are 40-something parents of a 22, 21 and 17 year old and we still travel. Our kids have been to places I never dreamed I would have a chance of visiting, let alone taking my kids to. (We just got back from Africa.) We have a home with a split rail fence, jobs and responsibilities, but we continue to travel. I love that we can do this as a family.
Kristin says
that’s amazing and something I would love to have one day if that’s where I’m meant to go. I love that there are options available, both the traditional and non traditional. Looks like you have a nice mix of both!
Jewel says
I guess what I am trying to say is, settling down in a marriage or family doesn’t need to spell the end of travel. Sure, it is easier in a lot of ways to go solo, but it’s also fun to share the experience with loved ones. 🙂
Rose Mureithi says
Gal,
You have really made my day to say the least.Am a breast cancer worrior and i decided that nothing and nobody will steal my joy no matter what.My friend that i had met before i was diagnosed ,took off from my life and right there i knew he was not meant to be in my life.I love love traveling and exploring.I do solo travels and now to celebrate my birthday ( i celebrate every milestone with a bang lol..) am going for a weekend solo in Masai Mara just to be with me myself and i in the bush.Its OK to be alone but not lonely.I made a decision after the second chance in life to enjoy myself to the fullest,enjoying every day at a time.Am from Kenya and looking forward to more lone trips and enjoying each moment.Sic..you never know who you can meet in the trips….shuush….and more so memories to last a life time.
YEEEEEE,
Lets LIVE,LOVE and PRAY.
Rose.
Kristin says
YAS Rose! Get it girl!
Lisa Racine says
PREACH girl!
YOU. DO. YOU. And be proud of what you’ve become on your own.
It’s not the 50’s anymore, women can do WHATEVER they want to do.
Society is changing and people need to get on the wagon.
And why aren’t these questions directed to men as well?
“Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now, marriage can be a good thing. It can be a source of joy and love and mutual support, but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?” – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Looove your blog girl! If ever you come to Montréal, holla at me! 🙂
Kristin says
Word. Shouldn’t we at least be getting the same message growing up? Then we wouldn’t be speaking such different languages between sexes!
Emily says
I started solo traveling in my twenties and especially as I got closer to my thirties, I was constantly asked if I was married and why not?!
Then at age 31 I got pregnant (while traveling) and continued to travel (solo) until I was 7 months along.The question changed from, “are you married” to “where’s your husband?”. I came to dread these questions simply because I hated the look of pity people would give me when I answered even though I felt no pity for myself – I chose to do what I loved, married or not! And now I have an (almost) 7 year old child with whom I have traveled to several different countries. Now people ask if it’s only the two of us when we travel and often comment how “brave” I am to travel solo with a child. The truth is, it’s just an extension of what I already did and loved and continue to do, but now I share the joy with my awesome little man! The idea of “settling down” is particularly present when children are a part of the picture. And though the international travel slowed down for a little while when I had my child, the desire to expand and experience the world never died – just shifted. And now I share with my son the joy of opening up oneself to new places, people, cultures and languages and to watch him expand with these experiences – priceless!
Kristin says
That’s so awesome that you travel with your son! I also feel like I’m helping, even if only just a little bit and only sometimes, to shift the paradigm every time I’m like no, I’m doing this on my own and I’m happy about it, I feel safe, and this is the prime of my life!