Over the past few months I’ve been traveling alone again in Southeast Asia, completely winging it, not on any paid projects or assignments, and without any itineraries. It’s been a return to the root of my travels, and one that’s been amazingly enriching, leading me to some of my best adventures and most story-worthy experiences yet.
It’s also shown me a pattern. I notice it with other solo female travelers, too. Whenever I go start anew on fresh ground, the cycle starts again. It’s like there are seven distinct stages that I go through and then when it’s time to go somewhere new I rinse and repeat.
So for my fellow solo female travelers out there, how familiar does this sound?
One: A fish out of water
Unless I have wisely booked myself into a social place, or somewhere with a built-in activity like diving or yoga, I will arrive into town without knowing anyone and usually staying in a private room, because I just can’t do dorms anymore.
The proverbial coin is in the air, will it land on, social place with cool people, or nobody around/all couples? Depending on which side it lands, it could mean spending day one alone.
This is when it gets very tempting to be a hermit. Suddenly the idea of going out to eat is petrifying, and even just walking around seems like an exhausting task because everything is new and confusing.
Is this going to be forever?
Sometimes it feels like a low. I will look at the girls with boyfriends with a bit of envy, and then I’ll remind myself that that was me from time to time before and I often just wanted that guy to evaporate. It’s not all roses having a travel buddy, especially a romantic one, I know that.
Two: Stepping out of the comfort zone
Step one usually lasts for a day, maybe two. Usually this inspires some kind of action, like going on an organized activity like an island hopping excursion, getting on a dive boat, going to a yoga class, if available, or just striking up a conversation with someone in the café next to me.
At this point I stay off my phone, because I want to be approachable. Besides, there is nothing on social media that’s going to make me feel less lonely.
In this vulnerable position, pushed to be more talkative, this is where the beauty of solo travel shines through, it makes us more approachable because we’re alone, and it makes us more interested in approaching others, for the same reason.
It’s usually a 50-50 split between someone coming up and approaching me, or me approaching someone. This is such a magical moment, because this is often the person who I will have adventures with.
Three: Finding a friend/tribe
The next step is pretty easy, it’s just a matter of, what are you up to today? I am doing this, would you like to join? And then before you know it, you have a built-in adventure buddy.
Maybe it’s not the first person you talk to, maybe that person happens to be taking off that afternoon, drat! But it will probably be the second, or maybe the third person.
I tend to get more motivated with each nice conversation.
Four: Cloud nine
Cloud nine is that beautiful moment when I thank my lucky stars that I’m traveling solo. Something wonderful will have happened, like I got invited by a local to do something really cool, or I met up with another solo traveler who I would not have been motivated to talk to otherwise, or I will have joined a group who I feel amazing with, like in Mozambique.
This is the real gift of solo travel, when I have an experience that I just know I wouldn’t have chased without having to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. This is when it feels like all the birds are singing with me and everyone I see is smiling at me. It feels so good and so connected.
At this point I have forgotten all about step one, and I even feel grateful for it, because knowing to trust in those moments that things like this were on their way is what keeps the solo journey so beautiful.
Five: Wanting ‘me’ time again
Next a pretty funny thing starts to happen. Even though I am so happy being social, I start to crave my alone time again.
I start to build it into my schedule, maybe it’s just an hour here or there and then eventually when it’s time to be completely alone again, I will commit to and even crave it, as long as it doesn’t last for too long!
Six: Gearing up to say goodbye
This is usually the point in the trip when I have to say goodbye to someone. Either they are leaving or I am and maybe I still have other friends around so it’s OK, or maybe I know that I’m going to start all over again. Do I cancel another plan and stay for longer? Do I make the silent promise to myself, like I always do, that I will return? Nine times out of 10 I do the latter, and in the moment I truly believe that I will make good on that promise. But I almost never do.
The world is big and my list is never-ending and there’s always another adventure on the horizon.
Seven: Tasting the bittersweetness of leaving, and preparing for it to start all over again
Finally the time comes to go, and I always feel a bit of a pit in my stomach in those places that are really nourishing to me, full of amazing stories and people. Which lately is almost everywhere.
But then I remember that the trust that I went into it with in the beginning is exactly what led me to the present, so it’s time to start it all over again, to trust again, to know that the loneliness will hit, and then it will pass, and that it will all be part of the dance of solo traveling, the greatest high and the most generous gift I’ve found yet.
The highs are worth the lows.
My fellow solo travelers, did this sound familiar to you?
GG says
I found this very interesting, Kristin.
First, even with your experience there still is the same fear or anxiety we all have when we drop ourselves into a place or situation outside of usual environment, especially different language and culture. It never gets routine. So, it is like “no worries, all of us feel this way, have trust it will work out with dividends if you suck it up and be approachable and giving of yourself!”.
Second, solo traveling is not about going by yourself all the time as I clearly misunderstood at the beginning, but instead, to get the best out of the experience, you need to link with different people for a while along the way, ideally those local to the area you are visiting to immerse yourself in the country which is thrilling to me. In some ways this makes solo traveling much less lonesome than traveling with someone who ends up being a poor travel match. I am sure with all the people you meet you will meet again at a later date, but at a different location (what would be really cool is if it were a local that was inspired to travel through you!!!!). What I sometimes have done is meet up with a friend in a place i am visiting to get the lay of the land and then go on my own and explore!
You are the solo pilot, but you can bring on co-pilots from time to time to enrich the trip! You want to be by yourself, go for it, but not all the time as it seems to limit the experience. I never thought of it quite that way! It is weird, some things I want to experience by myself (including some spiritual things) even without my loved ones (even if they were interested), and felt kind of bad about it, but I have learned this is what everyone feels from time to time, it is healthy. It helps though that some of my interests are out there enough that they say “go off on your own on that one!”
Lastly, in my short stint at teaching and tutoring on-line after a short break or with a new class/student I have that initial anxiety or worry before feeling comfortable again. It is so natural and glad actually I never get too comfortable or arrogant!
This is great because while this is great for solo female travelers, this post topic transcends gender, age, cultures. I hope others comment on this here. I would like to know their take on this and the universality of the experience!
Kristin says
To your second point – exactly. Solo traveling doesn’t mean being alone at all. It means actively choosing your travel buddies for that particular time and place and then moving on with no hard feelings when the time comes, because it’s almost always due to circumstance.
Ijana Loss says
Lol I loved “I often just wanted that guy to evaporate” XD XD But wow you are spot on with this article, that’s exactly how it is. I love love love when you find a great tribe of people that just feels so right. And I agree that the highs are 100% worth the lows. Because I swear travel highs are so much more than normal life highs, being on travel highs is the most alive I’ve ever felt and I would never want to give that up just to avoid the lows
Kristin says
I totally feel that too. A travel high is just amazing – like everything is somehow brighter, more vibrant, and inviting. It’s the best finding your tribe because it’s empowering and comforting at the same time.
Fiore says
Kristin,
I do identify myself with a lot of what you’ve said but mainly with the step 5. I often make plans with people I meet at hostels and after a while I wish I would’d be alone haha. I sometimes felt bad about it because many times I rather travel alone than going with friends or family. The power and freedom I feel when I travel along is like a drug to me, and I feel like I’m capable of reaching the stars if I wanted to! It’s a really great feeling.
A few years ago I wouldn’t think that being alone would feel confortable and something I’d desire, but now it feels great when I am traveling and realize I am more than happy enjoying time alone. I think it has to do with growing as a person and getting out of your confort zone.
Great article!
Thank you!
Fio
Kristin says
I totally relate to that – it’s so empowering to be able to do everything when I want to! I have grown so much from traveling alone as well. It’s why I think everyone needs to try it!
Michelle says
Definitely! I recognise them all!
Sometimes I cycle through the first stages super fast, sometimes you get stuck at one but the good always outweighs the bad.
That stage one is a funny one. I often find myself at the start of a new trip paralyzed by the wealth of choices of things to do in a new place – on my first solo trip I sat in my bed for a good few hours trying to figure it out. Now I try to just get going and take myself somewhere for coffee / a local drink to get out somewhere but I definitely feel it!
Kristin says
Totally! I pretty much always need at least the first day or afternoon to just arrive – sitting down, soaking it in, figuring out what the heck I want to do!
Jenny says
Hi Kristin,
Thank you for a great write up! I’ve started out on my first Solo travel way back in 2006 at the young age of 55yrs! With Italy being the country of choice.
Being very naive at that time I too experienced facing the anxiety and fear of the first day being in a foreign country but soon integrated as I met the locals and other solo travellers over the days I enjoyed the City. Since then I travel alone at least once a year and am still learning as I go! Thanks for sharing your 7 points always good to read someone else’s views and experiences! My highs always out weighs the lows! I’m off to Dublin end April!
Kristin says
Ireland is amazing! Italy too. It’s cool to see from the comments how many people feel the same or similar about traveling alone. Makes us all feel less alone I think!
Gina says
As always, I love the frankness and vulnerability in your posts.
I never really thought about it as in depth as your post, but stages…YIKES, yes, they are there! Maybe not of course tonyour same degree or specificity, but definitely there!
I seem to be the queen of bad timing! Meet the fab person who just went somewhere I am dying to go or they arrive as I leave or vice versus. Bummer!
As I prepare for my next adventure, I am trying to do as you are, no specific agenda and little expectations except the ones I put out to the universe, Safety, Health and AMAZING people!!!!
Gina ???
Kristin says
Amazing. I fully expect the universe to respond in kind to you, then.
Taylor says
So much yes to all of this! And honestly, it’s refreshing to read that so many have the same experiences with wanting to be alone/ occasionally wanting to be a hermit, especially when travelling long-term. It took me a while to figure out that wanting alone time/ the occasional netflix night in doesn’t make me a bad traveller, it just means I value avoiding burnout on the road and then have so much more energy to make friends.
Great post, Kristin!
Kristin says
I still have to let go of the FOMO and remind myself that taking ‘me’ time and recharging is essential!
Megan says
I loved reading this! I’ve spent most of my life in one place until recently. I’ve always want to travel but I have a lack of friend who like to travel and I have some anxiety about traveling alone as a complete introvert! I’ve been reading your blog for sometime now and finally took the plunge and traveled alone for a short trip last year, full of anxiety but loved every second of it. I’m getting ready for a longer trip for this summer and again the introvert in me wants to run and hide with my cat. But this was a good reminder that it’ll all work out and there will be others who may be feeling the same way I do and too push myself to do things I’ve always dreamed of. So thanks for all your blog posts. Gives this a country girl a little hope!
Kristin says
That’s so amazing Megan! I’m glad that you found the courage to go. I feel like that’s the hardest part and a step that maybe should have made this list! To me, the biggest aspect of a good trip is trust that it’ll all work out.
GG says
I agree that going in the first place is a good additional step, even if you have been traveling solo awhile, it is hard to leave a place that you have really enjoyed and start again somewhere else, even if you know it will work out for the best as it has over and over. I think step 1 might also include simply acclimating to arriving to the new destination. Not only do you deal with the social aspect, but there can be a sudden change in climate, time zones, sometimes elevation, and if it is a long trip to get there, recovering from that!
Kristin says
Oh yeah then I might have to get social earlier so that the people I’m with can keep me awake until it’s an appropriate time to sleep!
Ana says
Yes. This is so into me. Sometimes i have thoughts like i think i could have any place in the world to pick to loaf around.